A Salty Rant

As an HSP, I find it difficult to truly communicate to people what I need. Like I've said before, a lot of people don't understand what it's like to be an HSP if they are a non-HSP, so they obviously don't know how to interact with us. Many non-HSPs don't really have a sense of empathy for the things the HSPs in their lives need.

That being said, my personal experience with this subject  goes something like this: I tell people what I need or want and they brush it off or forget about it, or disregard it completely. Some people in my life have adjusted to this while others have not. It's really frustrating and while I don't want to be forceful, I want to be able to express what's frustrating me without fear of the backlash. I hate conflict to no end and avoid it at all costs. I don't want to inconvenience people and that's where my problem lies.

The best example of this is talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I don't understand why people don't get this. I'm all for compromising the way I communicate with people. I like email (although I'm a bit shoddy at that too, but for different reasons) and am totally willing to talk to people like that. I like email because it presents me a way to reflect on the things I've written and how it will sound to the person who is reading it.  I also like texting a lot because it does the same thing. To put this in perspective, I don't even talk to my own boyfriend on the phone, and we're having a long distance relationship. I just hate it. I feel awkward and am always scared I'm gonna say something stupid or there are going to be awkward silences. I also am rarely in a mindset when I feel like chatting with people. I screen calls a lot, and generally call people back when I am in a good and proper mood to talk, which can sometimes take a while (although sometimes I do just get busy and forget or whatever). I find that if I am the one doing the calling, I can put myself (or at least try) into a better chatting/entertaining mood, which makes talking on the phone a lot less anxiety-ridden...and therefore more apt to have a good conversation.

I am fully aware that this makes me sound like a selfish asshole, but I'm just telling it like it is.

I understand that my friends or whatever want to keep in touch with me and talk to me, but it's another thing entirely to disregard my wishes in an attempt to "fix" me. This is something else I've discussed with a few people recently, and after some internal debate about it I think I am a bit salty on the subject.

I am not a project. You can't fix me by "pushing" my boundaries. I am who I am, and I am perfectly okay with that. To suggest that my social anxieties are a product of severe OCD, rather than hyper sensitivity is rude. To suggest that I can be "fixed" by any sort of therapy or exposure is also suggesting that there is something wrong with me to begin with. There is nothing wrong with me. This is who I am, there's a reason for it, and I'm okay with it. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and maddening, but when it comes down to it I appreciate the way I am. I am claiming this as my identity, and if you don't like it, then don't be my friend. Sure there are some obstacles that inconvenience you (and me), and for that I am very sorry. But this is me. I'm sick of apologizing for what I can't help and I definitely don't want to be changed or fixed up without my consent.

I intended this blog to be more discussion based but it definitely didn't go that way. I hate conflict, and I feel like this is the only place I can voice my anger without being afraid of hurting someone's feelings.

I'm not sure what kind of confession this is, or if it's even one at all.

I've had a certain kind of apathy in my life for the past several months. I graduated college and wanted to do some "self-discovery"/"me-time" during the summer I was giving myself, but never did anything with it. I have pretty much been sitting at home, or in Prescott (with my boyfriend), or in California (with my parents) watching TV and doing not much of anything. I don't have a job yet due to powers outside my control.

These past few months in seclusion with only a few people to interact with has left some affect on me, I think. I have become increasingly reclusive. At this point, I would love nothing more than to be in the middle of the woods by myself and not talk to anybody (except for family or James). I can't really explain this feeling. I have always had it, but it has been slowly creeping up on me since I got done with school. I am finding it incredibly hard to talk to people, to use the phone, or to go out in public for too long. I am even starting to get that way at home. I am spending more and more time alone in my room with my sketchbook and the internet. It's starting to overpower me. There are people in my life that I miss terribly, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's a huge fear and a huge source of guilt. I am terrified of social situations, as I have said before, but now it is at a level that I can barely contain or hide. I feel terrible for the people in my life to have to put up with me. I have made excuses for myself and my feelings for years but now it's at a point where I don't know what to do. You can't just be honest about this kind of stuff, because no one understands. It's so hard when no one understands.

As I said in my last posts, I would talk about paranoia. This seems to go very well with what I'm already talking about. Since I have had so much time alone with my thoughts for the past few months, my feelings of paranoia have increased tenfold. As much as people have told me, "I respect that you don't care about what people think", I actually worry about it a lot. I worry about it too much, to the point where it's unhealthy. I find myself wondering and worrying about what strangers are thinking. If I post something on someone's Facebook, I think about it for way too long and then spend time overanalyzing why they haven't replied to me. Generally if I say something to someone, then I feel embarrassed about it for a while, or somehow I think they find me stupid for saying it. I try really hard not to let my true self show to people because I always feel awkward afterwards. I feel they think I am awkward because of it. On the rare occasion I do let myself slip, I end up horribly embarrassed and feel that way for years. If someone gives me a compliment or says something nice, I feel like they are just saying it to be nice, but don't really feel that way. If someone says they miss me or want to talk to me, I feel like they can't possibly be telling the truth, because who would want to talk to me? I am truly paranoid about myself and the way others perceive me. At this very moment, I am imagining people reading this blog and brushing off my feelings as needy, asking for attention/compliments, or  just flat out lies. I also am thinking that people will find me weirder than they already think I am after they read this. I know these things sound weird and unrealistic, but I can't help the way I feel. I am being as honest and sincere as I can about my feelings.

To me this last paragraph doesn't truly express my feelings, but I don't know what else to say about it.

Social Paranoia and Social Anxiety make a dangerous combination, social apathy. I get so anxious about spending time with people, and I am so incredibly paranoid about the impression I make on them, that I am horribly apathetic about having friends. I can't find the ability in myself to try too hard anymore because I am scared of the outcomes as well as everything else that's already happened. It's my own fault I don't have friends and I know it. I used to say all the time, "I can make friends if I try", but now I'm not so sure anymore. A lot of people have said, "You just have to go out and do it". For people like me, it's not so easy. The anxiety holds me back. The fear of panic attacks holds me back. Like I said before, this feeling has increased to a terrible point since I've been spending more time alone. And I know it's my own fault.

I have recently started planning for an art career and have been trying to increase my portfolio. I have also been writing more often and trying to do different things. This has seemed to help me a little bit, by getting my mind off of the things that bother me. Also, since I am inevitably moving soon, I need to figure out a way to say goodbye to the people close to where I live. I want to try. I am so scared. 

Confession # 2 - Social Situations and Being Alone

Sorry for the small hiatus! It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. We'll just roll right along then. :)

As you might have already guessed, I am not your average college student, in a lot of ways. I don't drink at all, I've never smoked a cigarette, and I've never been to a party. I detest the way most of the people my age act. I don't really have a super busy social life...but the thing is, where most people my age would frown on that, I feel really good about it. That's the way I like it. I know I can make friends, but I just choose not to keep that many. I would prefer one solid, amazing relationship compared with a lot of acquaintances. We'll talk more about that in a later posting. 

Anyway, on the topic of my social life and being alone.... 

Like I said in my last post, us HSPs really like to have alone time when we are becoming overstimulated. For me, I like it most of the time. I like to meditate/reflect on things and be comfortable in my own surroundings. I like to be myself, which is hard for me when I'm out in public. That isn't to say that I'm not sincere or don't care; I do care about the people around me a lot. When I speak with them, I am genuine. Maybe sometimes more than I should be. The point is though, I have come to the realization that I am an incredibly odd person and a lot of people need to be "trained" in handling me and my personality. Similarly, I have to warm up to a lot of people to show them my true self, and only a few people know what that's like. Really, only those people who I feel completely comfortable around, including my mom, my boyfriend, and perhaps just one good friend, know my true self. The best example of this that I can think of is my sense of humor or my pirate's mouth. I say some pretty weird stuff sometimes, I can get really hyper, and I swear...a lot. I don't show a lot of people this side of me until the know me very very well. Some people call this communication theory, I just call it self control. I think I am just terrified of letting down my walls and letting people see my real self and being rejected. I get paranoid a lot in that sense, but that's for next week's posting. 

On that note, the actual confession bit of this post is this: when I am in a social situation where I have to interact with a lot of people at the same time (or even one person that I don't really get along with), I am counting down in my head to when I can go back to being alone. Small talk is hard for me, and sometimes I feel like I make people feel awkward because I leave so much silence in conversations (but silence is good in my opinion). Because I can sense they feel awkward, I start to feel awkward, and then I want to escape. It's a weird cycle that I try to deal with daily. I suppose for me, you can compare social situations to culture shock. It's just too much to deal with at once and I don't know how to handle it. 

So then I escape and get back to my alone time where I can process what has just happened, or meditate, or do something by myself. It's good for me. 

My best weekend plan is having a lot of time to craft or read or write or paint. People have learned not to invite me to things, I guess because it's rare that I agree to go (that culture shock thing again). Or maybe they just don't think to invite me, I'm not sure. Either way, I never really spend my weekends doing anything with anyone. In this case, alone time can become a really bad thing. When there is too much room to think, I start getting paranoid and self-conscious. I spend so much time alone and I am so bored that I feel incredibly helpless. I feel utterly alone with no one to turn to. Then I remember that I've created this for myself and I'm just left to my guilt. That sounds really emo...but I don't know any other way to explain it. My inner workings are really difficult to talk about.

Like I said earlier, most people my age would frown on this or call me pathetic. Most people would think I'm weird for being this way. But that's exactly it, and that's exactly the point I'm doing this blog. There's no getting around my weirdness, for other people or myself. People have thought I've been really weird my entire life. For me, sometimes I feel so trapped by the way my mind works, and sometimes it feels really liberating. This post is not one of those times when I feel liberated. I feel like a prisoner of sorts because my mental limitations restrict me from being one of those type-A personalities.

This has been a really short post, but I think that's all I have to say on the topic. Tune in next week for my rant about paranoia. 

A Small Introduction + Confession 1: Over Stimulation

I suppose I should talk a little about myself before I start all this "confessing" business...although I don't want to reveal too much, as that will happen in due course. :)

I am 21, will be turning 22 in late May. I will also have graduated from NAU with my BFA at that time. I am majoring in Graphic Design. My favorite colors are always changing; I can never decide what they are. Right now they are teal and pink. My favorite food is any type of Asian food. Particular favorites are sweet and sour tofu and Agedashi Tofu, but only the kind from Sakana in Phoenix. I don't really have a favorite movie or musical artist, those are always changing too. I guess this suggests something about my indecisiveness, or that I appreciate so many different things as an HSP. I'm not really sure.

My favorite pastime is aquarium-keeping. If you know anything about me, you already know this. I have 10 fish...3 Cochu's Blue Tetras, 3 Von Rio Tetras, 1 Oto, 2 Sarasa Comet Goldfish, and 1 Rubberlip Plecostomus. The 3 latter are living in Phoenix with my mom, the first 7 live with me at school. I also like painting a lot and have a lot of my own paintings hanging up in my room...but I am quick to feel disappointed about my skills when I look at any work other than my own.

I am a language/arts person, definitely not a math/science person. I would give anything to be able to do math and physics, but at the same time, I feel good being able to write a final paper without ever having to write a rough. I suppose we'll talk more about that in a later posting.

People have described me for years as a "loner", or just awkward, or weird, or socially inept. My parents thought I was autistic as a child. While I have never had many friends, I have had many more bullies. Being the way I am has never been easy for me. I guess in doing this blog it gives me a sense of redemption, even if just a little. More so I'd just like to have the chance to help someone reach that "aha" moment, when they realize they are not a freak, they were born that way. That was the moment, for me, that changed my life.

Now that I have said some words, many of which you probably skipped through (TL;DR!), I suppose it's time to talk about my first confession: over stimulation and unwinding (after the jump.).

Blooming.

Welcome to my HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person, blog. Here I am going to discuss my "trials and tribulations" of being an HSP in an effort to help my loved ones understand me better...and in turn, help those who hold HSPs prominently in their own lives to understand them as well. Who knows, maybe someone will stumble upon this who is an HSP, but just hasn't learned it yet. It is my hope that I can make at least one person's life better from knowing about HSPs.

So what is an HSP? An HSP is a person who experiences everyday stimuli, situations, and emotions at a much higher rate than others. They are commonly described as "overly sensitive", shy, timid, inhibited, or neurotic. There has been a lot of study on the brains of HSPs, and it has been determined that their brains work differently than others' (Dr. Elaine Aron's research links can be found here). High Sensitivity can also be referred to as SPS, or Sensory-Processing Sensitivity. On average, about 15-20% of the population can be considered highly sensitive. To me, it is incredibly surprising that so many people don't know about HSPs, even if the average is so high.

Some of the common traits of HSPs are that they are moved by the arts. From what I have experienced, we also love water (my mom and I feel most at home near the ocean). We also need personal space, as well as to work at our own pace. We are also very intuitive to the needs of others while they are in their own environments. We dislike extremely crowded places or just being around a lot of people, where there is a lot of noise (I can't go inside a Costco without getting very anxious). We hate conflict and fighting, especially if it involves ourselves. We have low pain tolerances, we are sensitive to medications, and our senses are highly developed. We really cherish alone time in any form, and often need to do this to avoid becoming "over stimulated"...which means that, for me, having a panic attack or getting very, VERY irritated. A full list of traits can be found on the self test.

Speaking of which, I just tested myself again for the first time in about two years. Originally, I tested at about 17 (for the record, if you test 14 and above, you are probably highly sensitive). My new score is 25. I suppose overtime high sensitivity increases...or I have just become much more aware of myself as an HSP. Either way, I feel like this is a good starting off point for this project. Each week I will be updating (most likely in video form) about a new challenge I've faced as an HSP, or a challenge I have been for someone else who is not an HSP. I will also be confessing most of my social issues...as well as social goals. Please feel free to ask me any questions...I welcome any support in any form. :)