I suppose I should talk a little about myself before I start all this "confessing" business...although I don't want to reveal too much, as that will happen in due course. :)
I am 21, will be turning 22 in late May. I will also have graduated from NAU with my BFA at that time. I am majoring in Graphic Design. My favorite colors are always changing; I can never decide what they are. Right now they are teal and pink. My favorite food is any type of Asian food. Particular favorites are sweet and sour tofu and Agedashi Tofu, but only the kind from Sakana in Phoenix. I don't really have a favorite movie or musical artist, those are always changing too. I guess this suggests something about my indecisiveness, or that I appreciate so many different things as an HSP. I'm not really sure.
My favorite pastime is aquarium-keeping. If you know anything about me, you already know this. I have 10 fish...3 Cochu's Blue Tetras, 3 Von Rio Tetras, 1 Oto, 2 Sarasa Comet Goldfish, and 1 Rubberlip Plecostomus. The 3 latter are living in Phoenix with my mom, the first 7 live with me at school. I also like painting a lot and have a lot of my own paintings hanging up in my room...but I am quick to feel disappointed about my skills when I look at any work other than my own.
I am a language/arts person, definitely not a math/science person. I would give anything to be able to do math and physics, but at the same time, I feel good being able to write a final paper without ever having to write a rough. I suppose we'll talk more about that in a later posting.
People have described me for years as a "loner", or just awkward, or weird, or socially inept. My parents thought I was autistic as a child. While I have never had many friends, I have had many more bullies. Being the way I am has never been easy for me. I guess in doing this blog it gives me a sense of redemption, even if just a little. More so I'd just like to have the chance to help someone reach that "aha" moment, when they realize they are not a freak, they were born that way. That was the moment, for me, that changed my life.
Now that I have said some words, many of which you probably skipped through (TL;DR!), I suppose it's time to talk about my first confession: over stimulation and unwinding (after the jump.).
Over stimulation is the crown jewel in the HSP's awkward trait collection. Since our senses are so in tuned, a lot of scents, light, noise, or bad textures are enough to freak us out. A lot of people freak us out. A lot of anything, really, freaks us out. The biggest telltale of sign of HSP-dom is having to retreat to a room or area that is cut off from public view when we are over stimulated. We just need to breathe for a few minutes or hours and then we feel recharged. Besides all that, I can't really talk about anything else concerning being an HSP without talking about this first.
General over-stimulation can feel just like a minor anxiety, or ansy-ness. My mind starts to shut down and I stop thinking about what I'm doing, or even if I try to think, I can't. Most of the time I find myself looking at the clock to count down until I can go be alone again in order to clear my head.
Being insanely over stimulated feels like a very uncomfortable pressure on my entire body, but particularly on my head and chest. It feels like a very weird urgency, almost like I have to go to the bathroom. My head starts to feel fuzzy and faint, and my eyes start to prick like I'm going to cry. Most often, I become very aware of all my nerves which is very uncomfortable. The best way I can describe it is that they are picking up all of my extra stress and responding to it, so my entire body feels like it needs to overflow but has nowhere to put the excess. I feel very trapped and claustrophobic. After all this, I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate, but that only happens on rare occasions. Really, it just sounds like I'm having an anxiety/panic attack...and in all actuality, that's all it is. The whole situation is just very uncomfortable.
The really odd thing is, no one can really tell when I am feeling like this. Not even James (unless I actually do start to cry and/or hyperventilate, which makes it kind of obvious). My triggers are pretty much anything. They can be social situations, being out in public, being in class, interacting with people, or dealing with a lot of information at one time. I can also become over stimulated when I am very hungry or if I am already in a lot of pain due to my HAE/"Mystery Disease" (Hereditary Angioedema, we'll talk about that later). I can also become easily over stimulated if I am given a very short deadline on something (you know how teachers do it...the due date is that day or the next, but they conveniently forgot to ever tell you about it) or if I just have a lot to do in a very short amount of time. Really, my triggers can be anything and everything. This really is not an exhaustive list.
The worst thing is when I am already stuck in a public or social situation when I become over stimulated. A lot of times, if I am with a lot of people I tend to "turn in on myself". You can recognize this in me when I stare off in to space and am not engaged in what is going on around me. I've been told I do this a lot, and I know that I do. What this means is that I'm attempting to "turn off" my senses for a little while so I don't have to take anything in; if I focus hard enough on my own body/thoughts I don't have to focus on anything else. Generally if I do this for a few minutes I can start to feel a little less anxious. This has become so second nature to me that I just do it if I have to, like breathing.
If I am in a position when I can be by myself, I just go into my room and watch TV or eat a snack or lay in bed. I also spend a lot of time on the internet because it helps me to zone out the things that make me feel anxious. This helps me to feel better, and if I need to, I can go back out and face the day again. And honestly, in my mind the best weekend imaginable is taking a lot of time to "unwind" like this. The only 2 people I can spend time with and never feel over stimulated with are James and my mom. I think I am just very comfortable with James, and I know that we love each other so I don't feel any social paranoia or anxiety from our interactions. His apartment is a sanctuary for me, just like my room is. My mom is also an HSP, which helps me to feel good. I think we gravitate towards each other for more reasons than just "she carried me for 9 months".
So, in conclusion, if you've ever thought I act weird in public, this is why. I'm just trying to deal with myself which can most often be more stressful than dealing with anything else. At the end of the day though, I am able to feel good.
General over-stimulation can feel just like a minor anxiety, or ansy-ness. My mind starts to shut down and I stop thinking about what I'm doing, or even if I try to think, I can't. Most of the time I find myself looking at the clock to count down until I can go be alone again in order to clear my head.
Being insanely over stimulated feels like a very uncomfortable pressure on my entire body, but particularly on my head and chest. It feels like a very weird urgency, almost like I have to go to the bathroom. My head starts to feel fuzzy and faint, and my eyes start to prick like I'm going to cry. Most often, I become very aware of all my nerves which is very uncomfortable. The best way I can describe it is that they are picking up all of my extra stress and responding to it, so my entire body feels like it needs to overflow but has nowhere to put the excess. I feel very trapped and claustrophobic. After all this, I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate, but that only happens on rare occasions. Really, it just sounds like I'm having an anxiety/panic attack...and in all actuality, that's all it is. The whole situation is just very uncomfortable.
The really odd thing is, no one can really tell when I am feeling like this. Not even James (unless I actually do start to cry and/or hyperventilate, which makes it kind of obvious). My triggers are pretty much anything. They can be social situations, being out in public, being in class, interacting with people, or dealing with a lot of information at one time. I can also become over stimulated when I am very hungry or if I am already in a lot of pain due to my HAE/"Mystery Disease" (Hereditary Angioedema, we'll talk about that later). I can also become easily over stimulated if I am given a very short deadline on something (you know how teachers do it...the due date is that day or the next, but they conveniently forgot to ever tell you about it) or if I just have a lot to do in a very short amount of time. Really, my triggers can be anything and everything. This really is not an exhaustive list.
The worst thing is when I am already stuck in a public or social situation when I become over stimulated. A lot of times, if I am with a lot of people I tend to "turn in on myself". You can recognize this in me when I stare off in to space and am not engaged in what is going on around me. I've been told I do this a lot, and I know that I do. What this means is that I'm attempting to "turn off" my senses for a little while so I don't have to take anything in; if I focus hard enough on my own body/thoughts I don't have to focus on anything else. Generally if I do this for a few minutes I can start to feel a little less anxious. This has become so second nature to me that I just do it if I have to, like breathing.
If I am in a position when I can be by myself, I just go into my room and watch TV or eat a snack or lay in bed. I also spend a lot of time on the internet because it helps me to zone out the things that make me feel anxious. This helps me to feel better, and if I need to, I can go back out and face the day again. And honestly, in my mind the best weekend imaginable is taking a lot of time to "unwind" like this. The only 2 people I can spend time with and never feel over stimulated with are James and my mom. I think I am just very comfortable with James, and I know that we love each other so I don't feel any social paranoia or anxiety from our interactions. His apartment is a sanctuary for me, just like my room is. My mom is also an HSP, which helps me to feel good. I think we gravitate towards each other for more reasons than just "she carried me for 9 months".
So, in conclusion, if you've ever thought I act weird in public, this is why. I'm just trying to deal with myself which can most often be more stressful than dealing with anything else. At the end of the day though, I am able to feel good.
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