I've had a certain kind of apathy in my life for the past several months. I graduated college and wanted to do some "self-discovery"/"me-time" during the summer I was giving myself, but never did anything with it. I have pretty much been sitting at home, or in Prescott (with my boyfriend), or in California (with my parents) watching TV and doing not much of anything. I don't have a job yet due to powers outside my control.
These past few months in seclusion with only a few people to interact with has left some affect on me, I think. I have become increasingly reclusive. At this point, I would love nothing more than to be in the middle of the woods by myself and not talk to anybody (except for family or James). I can't really explain this feeling. I have always had it, but it has been slowly creeping up on me since I got done with school. I am finding it incredibly hard to talk to people, to use the phone, or to go out in public for too long. I am even starting to get that way at home. I am spending more and more time alone in my room with my sketchbook and the internet. It's starting to overpower me. There are people in my life that I miss terribly, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's a huge fear and a huge source of guilt. I am terrified of social situations, as I have said before, but now it is at a level that I can barely contain or hide. I feel terrible for the people in my life to have to put up with me. I have made excuses for myself and my feelings for years but now it's at a point where I don't know what to do. You can't just be honest about this kind of stuff, because no one understands. It's so hard when no one understands.
As I said in my last posts, I would talk about paranoia. This seems to go very well with what I'm already talking about. Since I have had so much time alone with my thoughts for the past few months, my feelings of paranoia have increased tenfold. As much as people have told me, "I respect that you don't care about what people think", I actually worry about it a lot. I worry about it too much, to the point where it's unhealthy. I find myself wondering and worrying about what strangers are thinking. If I post something on someone's Facebook, I think about it for way too long and then spend time overanalyzing why they haven't replied to me. Generally if I say something to someone, then I feel embarrassed about it for a while, or somehow I think they find me stupid for saying it. I try really hard not to let my true self show to people because I always feel awkward afterwards. I feel they think I am awkward because of it. On the rare occasion I do let myself slip, I end up horribly embarrassed and feel that way for years. If someone gives me a compliment or says something nice, I feel like they are just saying it to be nice, but don't really feel that way. If someone says they miss me or want to talk to me, I feel like they can't possibly be telling the truth, because who would want to talk to me? I am truly paranoid about myself and the way others perceive me. At this very moment, I am imagining people reading this blog and brushing off my feelings as needy, asking for attention/compliments, or just flat out lies. I also am thinking that people will find me weirder than they already think I am after they read this. I know these things sound weird and unrealistic, but I can't help the way I feel. I am being as honest and sincere as I can about my feelings.
To me this last paragraph doesn't truly express my feelings, but I don't know what else to say about it.
Social Paranoia and Social Anxiety make a dangerous combination, social apathy. I get so anxious about spending time with people, and I am so incredibly paranoid about the impression I make on them, that I am horribly apathetic about having friends. I can't find the ability in myself to try too hard anymore because I am scared of the outcomes as well as everything else that's already happened. It's my own fault I don't have friends and I know it. I used to say all the time, "I can make friends if I try", but now I'm not so sure anymore. A lot of people have said, "You just have to go out and do it". For people like me, it's not so easy. The anxiety holds me back. The fear of panic attacks holds me back. Like I said before, this feeling has increased to a terrible point since I've been spending more time alone. And I know it's my own fault.
I have recently started planning for an art career and have been trying to increase my portfolio. I have also been writing more often and trying to do different things. This has seemed to help me a little bit, by getting my mind off of the things that bother me. Also, since I am inevitably moving soon, I need to figure out a way to say goodbye to the people close to where I live. I want to try. I am so scared.
These past few months in seclusion with only a few people to interact with has left some affect on me, I think. I have become increasingly reclusive. At this point, I would love nothing more than to be in the middle of the woods by myself and not talk to anybody (except for family or James). I can't really explain this feeling. I have always had it, but it has been slowly creeping up on me since I got done with school. I am finding it incredibly hard to talk to people, to use the phone, or to go out in public for too long. I am even starting to get that way at home. I am spending more and more time alone in my room with my sketchbook and the internet. It's starting to overpower me. There are people in my life that I miss terribly, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's a huge fear and a huge source of guilt. I am terrified of social situations, as I have said before, but now it is at a level that I can barely contain or hide. I feel terrible for the people in my life to have to put up with me. I have made excuses for myself and my feelings for years but now it's at a point where I don't know what to do. You can't just be honest about this kind of stuff, because no one understands. It's so hard when no one understands.
As I said in my last posts, I would talk about paranoia. This seems to go very well with what I'm already talking about. Since I have had so much time alone with my thoughts for the past few months, my feelings of paranoia have increased tenfold. As much as people have told me, "I respect that you don't care about what people think", I actually worry about it a lot. I worry about it too much, to the point where it's unhealthy. I find myself wondering and worrying about what strangers are thinking. If I post something on someone's Facebook, I think about it for way too long and then spend time overanalyzing why they haven't replied to me. Generally if I say something to someone, then I feel embarrassed about it for a while, or somehow I think they find me stupid for saying it. I try really hard not to let my true self show to people because I always feel awkward afterwards. I feel they think I am awkward because of it. On the rare occasion I do let myself slip, I end up horribly embarrassed and feel that way for years. If someone gives me a compliment or says something nice, I feel like they are just saying it to be nice, but don't really feel that way. If someone says they miss me or want to talk to me, I feel like they can't possibly be telling the truth, because who would want to talk to me? I am truly paranoid about myself and the way others perceive me. At this very moment, I am imagining people reading this blog and brushing off my feelings as needy, asking for attention/compliments, or just flat out lies. I also am thinking that people will find me weirder than they already think I am after they read this. I know these things sound weird and unrealistic, but I can't help the way I feel. I am being as honest and sincere as I can about my feelings.
To me this last paragraph doesn't truly express my feelings, but I don't know what else to say about it.
Social Paranoia and Social Anxiety make a dangerous combination, social apathy. I get so anxious about spending time with people, and I am so incredibly paranoid about the impression I make on them, that I am horribly apathetic about having friends. I can't find the ability in myself to try too hard anymore because I am scared of the outcomes as well as everything else that's already happened. It's my own fault I don't have friends and I know it. I used to say all the time, "I can make friends if I try", but now I'm not so sure anymore. A lot of people have said, "You just have to go out and do it". For people like me, it's not so easy. The anxiety holds me back. The fear of panic attacks holds me back. Like I said before, this feeling has increased to a terrible point since I've been spending more time alone. And I know it's my own fault.
I have recently started planning for an art career and have been trying to increase my portfolio. I have also been writing more often and trying to do different things. This has seemed to help me a little bit, by getting my mind off of the things that bother me. Also, since I am inevitably moving soon, I need to figure out a way to say goodbye to the people close to where I live. I want to try. I am so scared.
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